And now for something a little different..........

 

I actually wrote these next few entries over the last few weeks. I decided for my sanity, and so I don't have to re-write some of these, I am going to post them all at once. Please keep that in mind if this section seems a little disjointed.

I had my appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Cancer, a few weeks ago. I had my wife, mom and dad in the room with me. Dr. Cancer went over my pathology report and explained that the cancer had spread from my uterus to my left ovary, fallopian tube and down into my cervix. He had noticed some “suspicious” cells in my abdomen that he thought may have been cancerous. Thankfully, it was just inflamed tissue and there was no cancer outside of my “female parts”. Since the cancer had spread, he informed me that further treatment would be needed. This will come in the form of radiation and chemotherapy. Now, I have a decision to make. When I saw “I”, please note that I am not making this decision by myself. My parents and wife are both involved with helping me make decide. I guess I need to let you know what I am deciding. There are 2 basic forms of radiation, one is the beam type, where they target the radiation beam externally to the spots that are a concern. The other type, is an internal radiation called “brachytherapy”. It is targeted and administered, well internally, in my case, vaginally.  Why do I have to choose between the two? First of all, this cancer usually appears in women in their 50’s. There is little precedent for the doctors to follow, since I am about 15 years too early for this type of cancer. Dr. Cancer says that if I go with the beam radiation, not only will it take longer, I could face some serious complications 25 or 30 years down the road. These could include very pleasant things like loss of bladder function and “colon issues”.  Now with the internal radiation, they do not think that there are going to be these types of side effects. However, this hasn’t been used long enough, or with many women my age, for there to be any reports of long term side effects. Oh yeah, I can also choose to not have any further treatment. This option is not even being considered, so we will just pull that one off of the table right now!

So I have spent the last several days researching both options:  medical reports, personal accounts and other reports on both radiation options and even animated videos on how each one is performed. Here is my thought process. Dr. Cancer is an oncological gynecologist. He is one of two in town. This is all he does. I feel very comfortable with him and the information that he has shared with me. My dad has worked with him in the OR, and says that he will do anything for his patients to make sure they are comfortable and getting the best possible care. Dr. Cancer wasn’t trying to push me towards any one option, but my dad and I both felt that he was suggesting that I go with the internal radiation. I have discussed my options with my wife, friends and family, and I think the internal radiation is going to be my choice.

In my research, I have also discovered that there are diets and eating plans that will help with some of the side effects of the chemo and radiation. Mostly what I have found online is a diet low in carbs, high fat items and high in proteins and flavonoids. I am thinking I will probably start eating more soy based products and maybe include more fish. Next week, I have an appointment with an  oncology dietician. My hope is that she will give me more direction for this new diet.

Now, how do I feel at this point? Honestly, I feel pretty good. I am still kind of sad that I can’t have a baby, but obviously, I wasn’t meant to give birth. I do not believe that this cancer is a death sentence. In fact, I think it is a rebirth for me. Since my surgery on January 5^th, I have actually lost 35 pounds. Not the best way to lose weight, but I will take it. I am more serious than I have ever been about getting healthy. I am trying to get my energy back in preparation for my chemo and radiation. I have walked every day this week with our dog, Koda. I find that the bad weather that we have right now is a bummer because I may not get to go for our walk tomorrow. I have cut out fast food and am paying more attention to what I eat and how much. 

So I saw Dr. Butt’s nurse today. I am healing well and should only have maybe one more wound check and then I will be done with that unpleasantness for a while. Not only an I dealing with the cancer and all the fun that brings, I am dealing with a drain and an open wound in my ass. Well, I guess in a week I will just have the drain to deal with.

I have felt pretty darn good the last few days and actually had the thought that I was mostly back to my old self. I was very wrong. We went to my parents house to visit and had gone into the basement to see my mom’s latest quilting project. Those steps kicked my ass. Now I know these steps very well. I lived in that basement for a good 15 years. Going down them was bad enough. Coming back up? Damn near killed me. I needed a nap by the time I got to the top. Looking back over the last few weeks, steps have been my nemesis. I thought it was just the jarring of my stomach muscles and such. Apparently, my legs have completely forgot how to go up and down stairs.

I am getting ready for my appointment tomorrow. This is a follow-up from the previous appointment. I guess this is mostly a question and answer period for me and my family so I can decide how my treatment is going to progress. I’m looking through all of the material for the research study and stuff that I have accumulated over the last few weeks, and I find myself in tears. I am scared. I’m scared that I will be in the small percentage that gets the really devastating side effects. Hell, right now I’m more worried about these side effects than I am about the cancer coming back. Just to name a few : kidney failure, tears in the wall between the vagina and rectum, seizures, diarrhea, other cancers and deafness. Or I can do nothing and take my chances that the cancer spreads. Forgive my French here, but this seems to be a damned if I do and maybe dead if I don’t. I don’t want to have this kind of responsibility. I have had to make some big decisions before, but never one like this. Never one that will literally affect my life. When you are faced with something this big, how do you know you are making the right choice? There are so many what if’s here, I honestly don’t know how to choose. We sent copies of the research material to two of my aunts, both of whom are nurses. They brought up some great questions that need to be answered. I guess I naively thought that one of them would provide me with an answer.

What If's and What-not

So I now have this death sentence, this destroyer of dreams. What the hell do I do now? Well, the wife and I packed up and stayed with my mom and dad for a few days. We spent the time just being together and I spent much of my time thinking about what it meant to have cancer. When you are facing something like this, I believe you need the support of your friends and family. I know that if not for them, I would be drowning in despair and self-loathing.

Why a dream destroyer? Wife and I were making plans to start our family after all the issues with my backside were resolved. We had a donor and were talking contracts, all that fun stuff that we gays/lesbians have to deal with. I was going to be the first to be impregnated. Now, that dream that I had had for as long as I could remember, to be a mom and feel that life grow inside of me, was dead. I never really thought that the cancer would kill me, my biggest upset here was not being able to have children.

I had decided that I was not going to hide my cancer like it was some big dirty secret. I was going to tell everyone that would listen. It was never about getting sympathy. What I really wanted, was to be my own PSA. I want all my female friends and family to understand the importance of your yearly exam, either with your gynocologist or regular doctor.  I think, that if I had been getting my regular checkups, I might not be going through all of this mess. Don’t get me wrong, I still would have cancer, I think I might not be going through all of these additional treatments. 

I guess I should expand that a little. First of all, I am not getting caught up in the "what if's". This is still part of my life as a PSA. This is why it's so important to get checked on a regular basis. If I had gone to see Dr. Gyno when I first realized I was having a problem, I may have only had my uterus removed. And maybe, just maybe, I would have had my surgery before the cancer had spread into my ovary and cervix. This spread of the cancer to my ovary and cervix is why I now have to get the additional treatment (chemo and radiation).

The Phone Call

Why am I writing this? Well, first and foremost, it’s a journal of sorts for me to keep track of my experiences while on this journey. And I guess secondly, maybe my experiences can serve as a warning to others out there to have your regular check-ups or give you some insight for when you need to give comfort to someone who has just learned that they too have cancer.I will never forget the day that my gynecologist, Dr. Gyno, said “Sara, its endometrial adenocarcinoma. Cancer.” My heart stopped and everything went in slow motion, kind of like when two long lost lovers run in slow motion towards each other across a field of flowers. In my case, there was no happy ending just time stopping and everything moving like molasses in winter. No fade to black as the happy couple kisses. Just the most horrible word in the English language: CANCER.  I vaguely remember Dr. Gyno telling me that it was very common in women my age, it’s very treatable and a bunch of other statistics that were supposed to comfort me. I know he was trying to help, but when you are told that your own body is trying to kill you, the only thing you really want to hear is “Oh, my bad. Those aren’t your test results. You just have a yeast infection. Sorry.”

How did this all start? Well, the beginning of this tale is about a pain in my ass. No joke. In August of 2010, I had surgery, performed by Dr. Surgeon, to clean out a large abscess I had grown in my left butt cheek. It healed, mostly, then grew back again in August of 2011 and I went back for another surgery.  Then we rinse, lather and repeat the same surgery in October, November and December. Now, I must follow up with, this was not because of any lack of skill on my surgeons part. My body was healing faster than it should, leaving little pockets for the infection to grow back into. Now, right before the surgery in December, Dr. Surgeon sent me to have an MRI of my abdomen. The thought here was that there was a tract between the abscesses that was passing the infection back and forth. While reading the MRI, Dr. Surgeon saw that my uterus was enlarged. OK, now I have to back up a little here too. I had been having an almost constant period for about a year. Why didn’t I get this checked out? Honestly, I was having so much trouble with my butt; I thought I would just address one medical issue at a time.  So Dr. Surgeon sends me for a pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound. Basically, internally and externally they looked at my uterus and ovaries. From there, I was referred to Dr. Gyno who did a pelvic exam and pap smear. He told me I needed a D&C during the December butt surgery. Not only did Dr. Surgeon and Dr. Gyno operate on me during that surgery, I also had Dr. Proctologist assisting. His job was to add drains into the abscesses so that they could heal at the correct rate.  The result of that D&C from that surgery is what lead to that fateful phone call.