Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Random Thinkings

I am getting ready for chemo treatment number 2 tomorrow. I am still a little aprehensive about it. I know the procedure, but what I don't know, is how my body will react to this and each of my subsequent treatments. The first one, really wasn't that bad. I learned some valuable lessons: McDonald's is never a good idea, and pot roast is right up there with the Golden Arches of Evil.

I am sadly disappointed that I have not lost my hair yet. I am extremely pissed off that I have yet to develop any super powers. I think that the "What to Expect When You Have Cancer" brochure needs to be trashed and re-written. All I have gained from my treatments are an increased need for sleep, a few hemerrhoids and a couple of boils. All in all, I think these are shitty super powers and seem more like punishments than rewards. I guess I should be thankful, I haven't grown extra hair in odd places, like my eyelids, the 'roids are smaller than a Buick and the boils are not in a visible location, like on my face. Sometimes being positive is all you have. I am not sure that I have a handle on that yet, but I am trying!

I am in the process of packing my "chemo bag". It's a small messenger bag that has my stuff in it that I might need for the day. Right now it includes:

a small pillow, hand made and donated by some amazing person
my anti-nausea meds
ginger candy and candied ginger
cell phone charger
protein bar
dried fruit
various butt creams and ointments
gauze ( needed for the drain that I still have in for my abcess)
books (Iron Kissed by Patricia Briggs and Blow Fly by Patricia Cornwell)
handicapped hang tag and corresponding paperwork
gum wrapper
my cancer notebook
a pen
my comedy notebook
my storage unit key (it's not needed for chemo, I just always know where it is if I leave it in there)
numbing cream for my port site and Tegaderm patch
a protein bar
miscellaneous fuzz
iPod and headphones

I may add a few more things. I am open to suggestions. I still have room, so I have this need to put more stuff in it. Oky kiddos, I am going to go swimming and hang with my Dammit Sister, The Boy, his mom and my mom. Enjoy!

Friday, June 15, 2012

But It's a Good Pain.....

So I had my first chemo treatment last Thursday. That was a looooong day. It started at 9:30am with the first nurse checking me in and getting my vitals. Then a second nurse accessed my port and did my blood draws and hooked up the port so it was ready to access for chemo. Then I waited for almost an hour, half naked with nothing to cover my nethers but a large paper towel. After yet another pelvic exam, I was given the green light for my chemo treatment. The CT scan I had earlier in the week came back completely "unremarkable". In medical speak, this means that they were unable to detect any new growths, everything was where it belonged and nothing that I had removed in January had grown back. I was dismissed and had about an hour to kill before I was due at the Cancer Center. We stopped for a sandwich and ate in the parking garage. Call it a pre-chemo picnic.

Once I was checked in, I was given my choice of chairs, but they wanted me close to the nurses station, just to keep an eye on me. There were lots of "pre-meds" given to me before we got to the actual chemo drugs. The idea here, is that if you give these meds to prevent the anticipated side effects, they become easier to treat, if not completely eliminated. Some of the pre-meds made me pretty sleepy, so I know that I napped for a while. I was visited by the on site pharmacist. He brought some handouts about the drugs that I was being given. He spent maybe an hour with me, going over what I was being given and why. He also explained possible side effects and some preventative measures I can take to avoid some of the potential mouth issues I can encounter. It was a little bit overwhelming, but for me, having all of that information takes some the "ohshitwhatthehellishappeningtome" out of it.

The first chemo drug goes in very slowly. And by slowly, I mean about 3 hours. It sounds like a long time, but I think with the newness of the process it didn't seem to be that long. Next I get a huge dose of Lasix. For you non-medical folks, this drug will make you pee everything you have had to drink in the last 4 days, over a 1 hour period. In the middle of doing the 100 yard dash for the potty, I have to sit still while they administer chemo drug number two, "red death". I tried to convince my nurse that she could push the drug while I just sat on the potty, but apparently this is not sanitary. Red Death, is so named for several reasons. One is that it can burn like hell if it gets on your skin or blows out your vein. The other, which I think is kind of neat, is that it makes your pee and I am told other body secretions, sweat, tears etc. red or pink. While that is fun, you have to keep in mind that because of the toxicity of the drugs that are being pumped into my body, and the radiation that I have undergone, I also have to be aware of blood in my urine. Thankfully, the affects of the red death only last for about 24 hours.

By the time we arrived at home, it was almost 7pm. I really didn't feel that bad, mostly just tired. Next day I had to report back to the Cancer Center to get a shot. This shot is designed to stimulate my white blood cell count, since chemo kills those. They had explained that the stimulated production can cause pain in the big bones (legs, sternum, etc). Think of freezing a bottle of water. As the ice forms, it only has a fixed amount of space to expand into. Same thing with the white blood cells. It's one of those double-edged swords; if it hurts, it's working. That is not a comforting thought. I followed directions and took a Claritin and an Alleve (OK I took two Alleve). The nurse that gave me the shot also told me if I had any pain meds to take one before I went to bed to make sure I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hurting. Done and Done! As I write this now, six days after this shot, I have had no pain from it.

Nausea is not fun. I am not sure which feeling is worse, actually throwing up, or feeling like you might, for hours at a time. In the first few days post chemo, I found that I could keep the nausea at bay if I ate small, snack sized meals every few hours. I only made two mistakes with this: eating a sausage biscuit from the Golden Arches of Hell and about a 1/4 cup serving of pot roast. Lesson here? McDonald's really is Satan's playground and red meat is as evil as everyone says. OK, the latter is not necessarily true. I think I might be okay with a lean ground round or something. Our suspicion is that the fat and grease, as well as the difficulty that a healthy body has processing red meat were just too much. I can live with that. I also found sweets to be a big issue as well. I stuck with slightly salty foods and really did just fine. I must add here that while effective, cancer is a shitty diet. I have lost about 8 pounds in the last week. I think next to figuring out what I can and cannot eat, getting up in the middle of the night to eat has been an adjustment.

A week has passed since my first treatment. The first 4 or 5 days were pretty rough, but not really that bad. The last 2 days, I have felt great. I am still sleeping about 12 hours a night, but I have not needed a nap during the day. Also, I have been able to eat whatever I wanted to, just in small portions.

I have to say, that without my family and my wife as traveling companions on this journey, it would be so much worse. All of you, with your words of encouragement, prayers, candles and "just checking in on you's" have been worth more than you will ever know. I love you all.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The Good, The Bad and The Chemo Brain

I have done my research and talked to other survivors, and the one thing that is consistent about chemo, is that you can't predict how it will affect you. Every one's experience is different. A few things Dr. Cancer has assured me of: I will loose my hair around week 3 or 4, and he will load me up with enough medicine that I should never be sick to my stomach or vomit. That is somewhat comforting. I have previously written that the hair loss does not bother me, although the loss of my eyelashes just seems beyond weird. I have been assured that gone are the days of experiences like in " Dying Young". What concerns me is "chemo brain".

What is chemo brain? Apparently, the drugs used for this phase of cancer treatment, causes "mild cognitive impairment". This can include the inability to multi-task, lack of focus, forgetting dates, names, and um...those things, yeah, words. This is supposed to be mostly temporary. Mostly. I have always prided myself on being fairly intelligent. It concerns me that this particular aspect of myself I might loose. I guess I can only hope that if it does become a permanent side effect I will have lost enough cognitive ability that I won't even notice it.

Now that we have an actual schedule for my chemo treatments, the reality is setting in. I feel like setting up a countdown clock, we are T-minus 5 days for massive amounts of poison being pumped into your body. I do not think that this is one of my more productive ideas. I have been thinking a lot about hair loss again. I haven't changed my mind, the thought of not having to shave is rather exciting, and I am not at all upset about loosing the hair on my head or my eyebrows. What still concerns me, is loosing my eyelashes. I really think that the only thing that was going to keep my from looking like a freckled bowling ball was my eyelashes. It was suggested, and I am not ashamed to admit that I did not think of it. It seems wrong for me to even consider it. I say this because it seems false, no pun intend, since I do not plan on wearing a wig to cover the baldness on my head. That, and it's just not me.

Now there are some good things that have happened. Since moving back in with my parents, I have spent more time with my nephew, The Boy. What a huge blessing this has been. Before all this started, he knew me, but we hadn't spent much time together. We have really bonded. Now, I am no MiMi and I never will be, but I am Auntie Sara and that's a pretty good thing. He frequently seeks me out for help with feeding Melvin, our Betta fish, and now, he associates me with fishing, or what he calls fishing. Since he is a 5 year old boy, you can't tell him he's not doing it right, because it's right for HIM, and ultimately that's what matters. His idea of fishing, is to take one of my many plastic worms, carefully place it on his hook, all by himself, then cast it out. He immediately reels it back in, declares "This one isn't working" and proceeds to get another one out. The Boy has no patience, and let's face it, that is about 90% of fishing, but he has fun and he is with Auntie Sara, and that is all that matters in my book.

The other good thing is my relationship with my Mom. We have spent more time together in the last 5 months than we have in the last 5 years, and I am loving it. Even just the little stuff like a trip to Wal-mart. We laugh and talk and laugh some more. The laughing is the most therapeutic part for me, and honestly my favorite. Growing up, mom always did fun stuff with us, but I don't remember her laughing with me. It was usually my dad and I, and our now infamous "Pun Wars" in the kitchen, but not not her. Now, we crack jokes and poke fun at each other. She has always been my mom, but for the first time in my life, I feel like she is my friend too. That is just an odd transition for me. I am not sure that this ever would have happened without the cancer.

So for all the unpleasantness that has come with the cancer, so much good has come from it too. I want you all to find the good in your shitty situations, It's there, you just have to find it. I know I did.