Sunday, February 19, 2012

What If's and What-not

So I now have this death sentence, this destroyer of dreams. What the hell do I do now? Well, the wife and I packed up and stayed with my mom and dad for a few days. We spent the time just being together and I spent much of my time thinking about what it meant to have cancer. When you are facing something like this, I believe you need the support of your friends and family. I know that if not for them, I would be drowning in despair and self-loathing.
Why a dream destroyer? Wife and I were making plans to start our family after all the issues with my backside were resolved. We had a donor and were talking contracts, all that fun stuff that we gays/lesbians have to deal with. I was going to be the first to be impregnated. Now, that dream that I had had for as long as I could remember, to be a mom and feel that life grow inside of me, was dead. I never really thought that the cancer would kill me, my biggest upset here was not being able to have children.
I had decided that I was not going to hide my cancer like it was some big dirty secret. I was going to tell everyone that would listen. It was never about getting sympathy. What I really wanted, was to be my own PSA. I want all my female friends and family to understand the importance of your yearly exam, either with your gynocologist or regular doctor.  I think, that if I had been getting my regular checkups, I might not be going through all of this mess. Don’t get me wrong, I still would have cancer, I think I might not be going through all of these additional treatments. 
I guess I should expand that a little. First of all, I am not getting caught up in the "what if's". This is still part of my life as a PSA. This is why it's so important to get checked on a regular basis. If I had gone to see Dr. Gyno when I first realized I was having a problem, I may have only had my uterus removed. And maybe, just maybe, I would have had my surgery before the cancer had spread into my ovary and cervix. This spread of the cancer to my ovary and cervix is why I now have to get the additional treatment (chemo and radiation).

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