Popcorn and Laser Tattoo Removal

As of today, I have had a total of 18 radiation treatments. I have 7 external treatments and 3 internal treatments left before I get a 3 week break. After that break chemo will start. I have mixed feelings about chemo. On one hand, I know that this journey is coming to an end. On the other, it's another unknown. No one can tell me exactly how my body will react to the chemo. It's such a unique experience for each person. I have talked to several women in my support group and each one's story of chemo was different. Some were actually too tired to eat and some had no problems at all and were actually able to keep working. The only thing that I have been told that I can expect with almost 100% certainty is that I will loose my hair. Okay, I am not too worried about that part. Hell I have already cut my hair very short in anticipation of that one. I am actually excited to see what I look like bald and I can't lie, the idea of not having to shave for several months is not unpleasant. Before I started radiation, I was given a 15 minute video that showed me what the process was. I saw the machine that administers the radiation and the table that I would be on. I saw a woman lie down on the table and the machine move around her. It took much of the anxiety away that I was feeling from an unknown procedure. What this video did not do was keep my mind from wandering during treatment.

I mentioned before one of my first thoughts was what if the beam, in my mind it's a laser, misfires, would it shoot me across the room and into the wall? More recently, my cerebral diarrhea has turned into a way to entertain the techs that set up my room. I asked Tim, the tech guy, if I fart while the beam is on, will it create some sort of explosion or fireball, like when you light a fart? Apparently, no one has had this thought before or has admitted to it. I was informed the next day that he giggled all day about that one. My next thought was about popcorn. Now it might be that I was thinking about popcorn because I am on a low fiber diet and have been instructed not to eat that tasty microwaveable treat. I should mention that for the 10 or 15 minutes that you have to be completely still during treatment, there isn't much else to do but let your mind wander. I tried to doze off, but since the beam sounds much like a dental drill, I had some very odd images of dental procedures and those are never pleasant so I have opted to just let my mind wander and see what comes of it. Anyway, I asked Tim if I placed a bag of popcorn on my butt right before treatment, would we all have a tasty snack at the end of my treatment that day. Again, he laughed at me and explained that they tried it before and the patient complained of oil burns on their ass and who would want to eat ass popcorn? I had to agree with him on that one. EWWW. I decided to move on to a money making enterprise. I thought, what if we would combine the radiation beam with a laser for tattoo removal? One position of the treatment beam is directed at my back so why not? I figure treat cancer and remove a tattoo all at once. I think Tim has now called in a referral for a psychological evaluation on me. I guess it's a good thing that I have not told him about my stand-up routine that I am working on while not thinking about exploding gas and popcorn.

Most days I don't feel too bad. Fatigue, however, is a constant friend of mine. I sleep about 9 to 10 hours a night and usually take a couple of two hour naps during the day. In all I sleep anywhere from 13 to 16 hours a day. I don't spend all day in bed though. Ok, I did spend all day in bed a few days ago. I just could not stay awake. I have had a few days where I had little or no appetite. On those days I mainly drink protein shakes and eat something like yogurt or pudding. I drink plenty of water because the last thing I need is to get dehydrated. I have discovered sugar free kool-aid in the single dose packets. I use those most of the time. I figure water with a little drink mix is still water, right? The other side effect that has been a fairly constant companion is the diarrhea. Thankfully I have an amazing radiology team. They have put me on a low fiber low fat diet and given me a prescription for something stronger than the OTC stuff I was taking. Until next time my friends.

Ports and Treatment

So it’s been almost a week since my port was placed in my chest. All I can say is I feel sorry for all those alien abductees who have had to deal with this! When your muscles and skin are moved around to make a “pocket” for a medical device to be inserted into, said muscles and skin are not happy! I should clarify that I am not in pain, just really uncomfortable. Anyone who has ever had major surgery or a chronic pain issue knows that there is a difference between the two. Being in pain is like “This hurts so much I really would rather just die right now than experience this” and being uncomfortable is like “I am aware of this sensation and I would prefer that it stops”. I never posted the previous paragraph, but I would hate to deprive anyone of my cleverness so I will include it with my current post.

 I have now had 8 of my 25 radiation treatments. The only side effects I have experienced so far are some slight fatigue, joint pain and some diarrhea. I have not received any x-ray vision, mind reading or telepathy powers. I am very disappointed. Apparently, those are not expected but when I asked about these side effects I was promised a cape at the end of my treatment.

 The treatments themselves are short and painless. I am face down on a table and the machine moves around me. It sometimes makes a noise like a dental drill, which is a little disconcerting. It does not feel like one, so I am grateful for that! I don’t feel anything at all. Sometimes when the machine is zapping me, I envision a white laser penetrating my skin and destroying any remaining cancer in my body. I believe that positive imagery can help. However, sometimes the “image” takes off and instead of the laser harmlessly penetrating my skin and only going after the cancer, I see the laser hitting my hip and blowing me right off the table and slamming me into the opposite wall. I may need to ask about some kind of therapy for that.

 I received a call earlier in the week from an HR representative from my employer. Since my treatment will keep me out of work longer than one calendar year and they did not have a position they could hold for me that long they decided to terminate me. Yeah, I was fired. At first, I was so shocked and hurt and angry but I am over it now. Apparently, they were going to do it a few weeks ago but they wanted me to have my insurance for as close to 30 days as they could give me. I am grateful for that. I have much to do now; filing for disability, unemployment, COBRA and I think there is more but it is escaping me at the moment. I must admit, the decision to terminate me was not a surprise, just the timing. I knew that I would get this phone call, but I expected it later this year, when we were closer to that actual one year date. I think that’s much of why I had such a range of emotion with that. I want to say, “how dare you fire me, I have CANCER!” but I understand why they have to make that decision. I mean, what employer wants to have to pay an employee for doing nothing? If you know of one, please let me know where I can forward my resume.