I have been cancer free for almost a year. Let me say that again: I HAVE BEEN CANCER FREE FOR ALMOST A YEAR!!!! So, why am I seemingly more pissed at the Universe than I was when I first got the diagnosis? Well, grab a couple of rolls of TP and I will tell you a little story. BTW: If you are squeamish or embarrassed by all things "bathroom" related, go watch this instead of continuing on. cats are assholes Otherwise, prepare for a whole bunch of TMI.
I thought when I was going through radiation and had diarrhea that felt like acid coated shards of glass dipped in lemon juice once or twice a day that it couldn't get any worse. WRONG!!! Now, the diarrhea (will be referred to as the Issue, because I hate the word almost as much as the actual condition) shows up, mostly without rhyme or reason, and I have almost no hang time. (For those that aren't familiar with the usage here of the term "hang time" I define it as the time between when your brain tells you that you have to poop, and the moment when you actually start to.) I can't tell you how many events, gatherings or just small get togethers that we (GF and I) have had to leave because my "issue" was getting ready to or in the process of acting up. THIS SUCKS.
There doesn't appear to be much that stops the Issue, but there is so much that is sure to set it off: any food items from McDonald's (not really a bad thing), really greasy pizza (this is a shame), lettuce (so salad, unless made from spinach it off the table), most fried food, stress, too much dairy ( I think too much is somewhere between 1/2 cup of milk and a block of cheese, or we are not really sure about this one) and my medication that I need to take daily to help regulate my blood sugar. Let me list for you all the things that I have found that will stop or slow down the Issue: ( insert crickets chirping). Yeah, pretty much nothing. Oh and the stomach cramps that come with the Issue? You know, the ones that feel like there is a donkey living in your colon and is just, gawd please forgive the word play here, kicking the shit out of you? Nothing really works on those either.
So, I know you are wondering, "How do you function?" Well, I can tell you every gas station between my house and the south side of town (we live on the north side) that have acceptable bathrooms. I can tell you where the bathroom is in EVERY store that I frequent. I can also tell you what it's like to have to wipe tears from your face and wipe your ass at the same time. Sometimes the tears are from the pain, the embarrassment or just frustration from spending yet more time in the bathroom. (For the record, tears from my face can wait) On a side note, I have re-purposed the phrase "photo finish". It's when you aren't really sure if you are going to get to the toilet and get your pants down before you have to throw away or clean ANOTHER pair of underwear. Usually, I loose when it comes down to a photo finish. I have also, considering these odds, stopped gambling.
It just seems so, unfair. I BEAT CANCER. Now, TP and moist wipes are my best friends and constant companions. I know I have to "give myself time to heal". Sometimes when I hear this, I want to throat punch the person that said this. Not because I am mad at them, or pissed about their platitude. It's out of sheer frustration. I wasn't supposed to get cancer. I wasn't supposed to loose the ability to bear children. I wasn't supposed to face my own mortality at the age of 36. When you have faced all of this, and managed to keep your sanity, then you can tell me to give it time. Please note, I will not actually punch you in the throat if you tell me to just give it time. I will simply sigh and say "Yeah I know". My parents raised me better than that. But think about this, sometimes a "wow that sucks" works just as well, and won't get you throat punched.