Since I was diagnosed, I feel like my life has been out of my control. Cancer took my uterus, ovaries and cervix, so I had no choice there. We only have one oncology gynecologist in our insurance network (not that I am complaining, I adore my doctor and could not be more pleased with him, just had no choice). The insurance company could not be convinced to cover the research trial for my after surgery treatments, so I had to go off trial for those. (In a previous post I detailed how I researched my options and finally decided to go with the trial.) The chemo therapy is going to take my hair, but that won’t happen for a few months because I have to go through radiation first.
So now, I am the master of my scalp. I all but shaved my head tonight. I will not let my cancer or my resulting treatments TAKE anything else from me. I decided when I would lose my hair. There isn’t much else that I get to decide regarding my cancer or my treatments. The doctors decide what course the treatments will take from here on out. My only decision will be morning or afternoon appointments. So I took control of my hair destiny. I wish I could say that this was the result of some radical thinking or revolutionary thought process on my part, but it is not. Much of literature I have read on coping with cancer and side effects for various treatments suggests that the patient shave their head so they can control when they lose their hair. So I got the idea there.
I am not so much concerned with losing my hair, it will grow back eventually. The loss of the rest of my body hair during treatment just seems like a bonus to me. I am a little worried about losing my eye lashes though. I figure if I lose hair from any body part I can shave it won’t be too odd, it will just take a little getting used to. But eyelashes? Eesh.
I have an appointment next week for a baseline CT scan. Then I will see a radiologist for one of several sessions where I am positioned and readied for the radiation treatments. This will be the external radiation treatments. These will be once a day, five days a week for five weeks. The next three weeks I have internal radiation treatment once or twice a week. I will get a two or three week rest period with no radiation, then I will start the chemo.
Sara - I love that you've started a blog for your updates. We did one for Mom, and other friends have done this for their family illness updates. Not only is it a great way for friends and family to stay updated, it ended up being a really outlet for my family. It was very cathartic to make our entry each day and then read all of the supportive messages. Hang in there Sara. Love you!
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ReplyDeleteI first ought to tell you how much I love you. You're being so brave about all of this. I admire that so much.
Second, I love the hair. I think it looks great. Embrace the part of you that is hair free. You are beautiful no matter what. (Think of how much time you save not doing your hair! And hair product!) I've been hair free before, I think you knew that, I had a scare where I thought I would have to have brain surgury and I shaved my head to do exactly what you're doing now- taking control. I learned to embrace my hairless head, and I learned to love it. Hair won't change who you are- you do.
Remember that the one thing you'll always have control over is how you look at the world. You are in control of your attitude. I know you, and I know that you find the beauty and laughter in life. Its something I love about you. Let this experience give you an opportunity to grow that talent. You're an amazing, strong woman. I have no doubt that when this is all over, you'll look back, be glad its over, but you'll thank God and Goddess that you've had the personal power and the insight to take something that could have made your tired and bitter, and have instead embraced it and come out more beautiful and strong than you were before.
I love you. You are a pheonix my dear, raise yourself from the ashes and claim your inner fire. I'm here any time you need me.
Blessed Be!
Sxx (The Panther)
My Dear Panther, I love you. Your words were just what I needed today! Thank you so much! I only allow myself a moment or two of pity when it rears its ugly head. I honestly think if I let myself have more than that, well it wouldn't be good. I know that the God and Goddess are with me and have great things planned for me.
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